Fried Calamari for Hater JR

I have this dear friend who, when you look at him, appears to be in exceptional shape. He goes to the gym at least three or four times per week, he eats relatively healthy (whatever that means), and he doesn't smoke ciggies or down soft drinks. He did say he wanted to drop a few el bees and wondered if I would be able to give him a swift kick in the behind. I love control, so I jumped at the chance. He is probably very sorry he asked me. In fact, now that I recall, I don't think he asked me at all. He might have mentioned he was going to tap the resources of a nutritionist and I might have completely taken over.

“Why would you throw your money away like that? Dude, do exactly as I say and you will be golden.”

Poor JR. He agreed.

I make him take pictures of everything he puts into his pie hole and send them to me via text . In fact, if it’s past 9 a.m. and I haven’t received a breakfast photo, I start in on the barage of harassing texts. I also make him text me when he’s going grocery shopping, when he’s dining at restaurants, when it’s late and I figure he’s getting the munchies. He hears from me a dozen times a day.

Poor JR.

Recently, I demanded that he come over to my house to cook fried calamari and kale wraps. JR is not much of a fish guy or a kale guy, so this one was going to be tough. I could almost hear his hater face over the phone.

“Oh, I don’t think I can make it, sweetie. I have things to do.”

Like learn to cook healthy food, so I will see you at 2, dummy.

We were going to cook the two meals simultaneously in an effort to keep his attention from wandering. I couldn't lose him. He needed to stay focused and sharp, especially if he was going to recreate this at home. I was almost disappointed he didn't take notes. I know, I'll put it on my food haters blog. Problem solved.

Poor JR.

Here’s what we did for the calamari. I bought three steaks from the grocery deli meat guy.

I also have as a staple in my cupboards:
• Almond Flour
• Coconut flour
• Tajin
• Eggs (eww, not in my cupboards.. in my fridge.)
• The shiz spices that I pick up on my worldly travels to areas throughout the greater Sacramento area.

That be it.

Here's the set up:

Okay, so then JR and I got busy. Well, he got busy and I barked orders at him like: "Dip the steak into the eggs and then roll it around in the almond and coconut flour with spices that will knock your hair back." He donned his hater face until he bit into one of those bad boys. I ceased to see the hater face. What I saw was the ecstacy face:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmiFb3ElGfE&feature=youtu.be

Simultaneously, we prepped for the kale wraps. I used last night's meat with last night's salad and mushed it altogether in a pan with some olive oil and a handful of almond flour to give it some mushy, burrito-innards type consistency. I sprayed the kale wraps with coconut oil.. well, I made JR spray the kale wraps and set them aside.

Then, we cooked the meat lover concoction in the pan, let that bad boy cool and rolled that shiz up in the kale. We cooked for about 15 minutes and bam slam boom. Dinner in 25 minutes is served with your left overs and calamari steaks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ptp6aqJS5s&feature=youtu.be

Oh, and P.S. JR has lost about 5 el bees since we started this little harassment experiment.