Corner Cutting

Who has time to cut and prep and stand over a skillet in an apron, barefoot, knocked up, looking all fresh and glorious from a brisk morning walk? Not me. Even when I was preggo, I always wore shoes - bigger shoes - looked like I was stuffing bread loaves in little party hats. And I invariably looked at ways to cut corners.

That's why I am really digging the slow cooker these days.

This time, I threw in already grocery chopped white onions, already minced garlic, already chopped cilantro, already gooed up basil, already ground turkey, already cut and cleaned carrots, and already brothed chicken broth that comes in a box without sugar or other crap that will make you grow a third eye.

I threw them into a slow cooker over a piece of pork tenderloin, turned that bad boy on low for 8 hours and then went out to become a productive member of our society.

When I got home after a very fruitful day (I shoula just stayed home), I turned on the oven to 350, ripped up pieces of kale and put them on a cookie sheet. I sprayed those suckers with coconut oil, sprinkled sesame seeds and Tajin on them and popped them in the oven.

See me sprinkling baby Tajin? My neighbor heard I was out so she gave me some. Thank God for neighbors.

If you tell your child he is eating chips, he will gobble them up. Make sure they're crunchy and crispy, though. Limp kale ain't cool. Apparently, the kale chips gave him a steady hand because he walloped us in a game of Operation.

The slow cooker corner cutter was sure a success. Now if cleanup were only as easy.

The Hater Gets Cookin'

Funny, just last week, my #1 hater poo pooed meals every morning, every night until he put it in his pie hole. I know he sneaks off at lunch during work hours when no one can make him accountable and stuffs his pie hole with pizza and burgers. There are rumors. He's out there being sneaky.

Lately, we have had a turning point. He seems up to the whole challenge, so when we had our friends Bob (will eat anything and rave about it even if it's a bowl full of crunchy crickets mixed with Tajin) and JR (major hater, but is coming around because he's lost over 10 el bees) over for dinner, it was a family affair.

Hater Pants (husband nickname) came home with a whole chicken and suggested I, "do that thing you did with it last time in the slow cooker." I threw that bad boy bird into the slow cooker and added about 2 inches of beef broth. I lathered the bird's exposed body with some fresh pesto and Tajin and lemon pepper.. staples to my sanity. I set the timer on 8 hours low and directed my attention to the grueling workday.

When I got home from said grueling bad day, the house smelled like an Italian villa. It made me ravenous. Before JRnBob (if you say their names quick enough, it's just one word.. typical married couple) came over, Randy asked if we should throw together some vegetables.

I'm sorry, what did you say? What the hell have you done with my Hater Pants, you freakin' alien?!?

Hater Pants sauteed a slew of veggies - kale, orange bell pepper, broccoli, carrots, mushroom (is a mushroom a vegetable?) and piled on the spices. I didn't stand over him like some crazed micro managing control freak, although I wanted to.. I needed to encourage this kind of free wheeling behavior. Go, my little hater, fly out of your bread and pasta and sneaky lunch time pizza nest.

We piled our plates with veggies and topped it with moist (love this word) chicken-off-the-bone. Bob and Hater Pants piled theirs into a 100 percent whole wheat tortilla. JR and I opted to keep the wheat off of our plates.. which is cool, we don't judge. Eat how you want.

We ate like queens.

I love my nephew as if he came from my own loins. He is mature for his age - he is very loving, incredibly analytical, but bottom line, he doesn't like Aunt Amy's food. He won't eat anything he hasn't eaten before. He loves chicken nuggets and french fries, broccoli (go figure) and mac and cheese from the box. His sister loves what her brother loves, but arguably has a more expanded pallet. Still, she is only 4. She's not going to freely gobble up Aunt Amy's quinoa and kale. My nephew is my challenge. My niece will come along.

When they came to visit recently, my competitive edge set in. "Get these kids to eat twigs and berries and kale and hummus, and I have won the heart and wonder of healthy eating in the most challenging of circumstances."

That weekend, I won some, I lost some. The green kale ravioli with chicken meatballs and organic homemade tomato sauce was a misfire - "this really isn't pasta, Aunt Amy." Hater faces ran amok. But they finished because I bribed those little beasts with 3 peanut M&Ms - a rather challenging situation for all. And I ain't no quitter..

The next night, I got wise. I asked those young kids what they wanted for dinner. Here were their responses:

Nephew (age 6): Mac and Cheese
Niece (age 4): cheese quesadillas
My son: whatever they are having since this is clearly a pass into free eating

I decided to adhere to their wishes.

I got: 100% whole wheat elbow pasta, 6 Bonney Bell mozarella cheese circles, lemon pepper and 2% lowfat Clover milk. I cooked 2 cups of pasta in chicken broth and then drained. I kept the gas stove on low and added the mozarella cheese circles, milk and spices and stirred on low for about 10 minutes. I even snuck in some mushrooms and shaved carrots. It's all about blending in. If they see it, you're toast. I covered the veggies in the cheese/milk concoction.

For the quesadillas, I sprayed each side of a 100% whole wheat tortilla with coconut oil and added a very small palm of chedder cheese, a layer of Applegates ham, a couple of handfuls of shaved carrots (they look just like cheddar cheese) and a shake or two of cajin spice. Piled it on the other side with another sprayed whole wheat tortilla and let that sucker sit in a very lightly coated pan of oil for about 10 minutes on each side.

It smelled like a friggin taco stand in my kitchen, but the skeptics didn't flinch. Their hater faces were fierce.

I cut it up with a pizza cutter and served it with the mac and veggies and cheese to 3 haters. No bribery this night. It was a first: I saw the bottom of their bowls.

We topped it off with "Alligator" juice which is filled with kale, broccoli, apples, mangos and bananas. We have an alligator who lives in the backyard. We milk it every night. The kids love alligator juice. I love watching them drink the green goodness after the labor intensive milking we do. Alligators get cranky if you do it too often. 

Here we go again. My haters were home on a Sunday night, the last night my step son was in town before he returned to his college town for a second semester of debachery, borderline inappropriate social media capturing behavior and fattening cafeteria food. I had to get in one last lick while I had the chance.

I asked if my brood wanted to spend the last night at some crowded restaurant on a wait list for the best sushi in town. Yack and Max said yes, Pants said no.

I decided to cook up what was in my fridge and pantry. Easy peasy. Intimate. Dinner table. Cheap. And those who cook, don't have to clean up - a rule in our house. I yanked out the following: 

* chicken breast

* lemon

* mushrooms

* quinoa & kale - I will show you a secret

* rock shrimp

* pine nuts

* tajin (duh!)

* lemon pepper

* pesto (just a little)

*broccoli

* parmeasan for table additions 

Looks like a lot, but it's not. This is the crap I keep in my fridge/cuboards on a constant basis. Take note.

Here's a pic of what I did to the chicken (I took the pesto, tajin, a little olive oil, lemon pepper, mushrooms) and threw it all in a sauce pan on medium heat and sat in a chair by the fire, grabbed a glass of red and self actualized.

That's right. You are feasting your eye holes on green chicken breasts. To top off the green craze, I threw together quinoa and kale. I boiled the quinoa and slaved over the crispy kale. If you don't want to do that, hightail it to Costco and get the quinoa/kale bag. I would never do that to cut corners:

Just go to Costco, okay? Make life easy on yourself, even though I don't, obviously. Once you put your Costco concoction into a pan, throw in your fave tasty spices, along with some lemon and a handful of parm. I even picked up a bag of frozen rock shrimp when I wasn't at Costco cutting corners and threw that into my dream pot, let it cook for about 15 minutes and presto: my teenage son, my six year old son, and 54 year old son was none the wiser. We feasted like kings and they fell asleep full and happy.

Here's a "before" pic when I presented the meal:

And here's after they stuffed their pie holes with crap like kale, quinoa and chicken:

Fried Calamari for Hater JR

I have this dear friend who, when you look at him, appears to be in exceptional shape. He goes to the gym at least three or four times per week, he eats relatively healthy (whatever that means), and he doesn't smoke ciggies or down soft drinks. He did say he wanted to drop a few el bees and wondered if I would be able to give him a swift kick in the behind. I love control, so I jumped at the chance. He is probably very sorry he asked me. In fact, now that I recall, I don't think he asked me at all. He might have mentioned he was going to tap the resources of a nutritionist and I might have completely taken over.

“Why would you throw your money away like that? Dude, do exactly as I say and you will be golden.”

Poor JR. He agreed.

I make him take pictures of everything he puts into his pie hole and send them to me via text . In fact, if it’s past 9 a.m. and I haven’t received a breakfast photo, I start in on the barage of harassing texts. I also make him text me when he’s going grocery shopping, when he’s dining at restaurants, when it’s late and I figure he’s getting the munchies. He hears from me a dozen times a day.

Poor JR.

Recently, I demanded that he come over to my house to cook fried calamari and kale wraps. JR is not much of a fish guy or a kale guy, so this one was going to be tough. I could almost hear his hater face over the phone.

“Oh, I don’t think I can make it, sweetie. I have things to do.”

Like learn to cook healthy food, so I will see you at 2, dummy.

We were going to cook the two meals simultaneously in an effort to keep his attention from wandering. I couldn't lose him. He needed to stay focused and sharp, especially if he was going to recreate this at home. I was almost disappointed he didn't take notes. I know, I'll put it on my food haters blog. Problem solved.

Poor JR.

Here’s what we did for the calamari. I bought three steaks from the grocery deli meat guy.

I also have as a staple in my cupboards:
• Almond Flour
• Coconut flour
• Tajin
• Eggs (eww, not in my cupboards.. in my fridge.)
• The shiz spices that I pick up on my worldly travels to areas throughout the greater Sacramento area.

That be it.

Here's the set up:

Okay, so then JR and I got busy. Well, he got busy and I barked orders at him like: "Dip the steak into the eggs and then roll it around in the almond and coconut flour with spices that will knock your hair back." He donned his hater face until he bit into one of those bad boys. I ceased to see the hater face. What I saw was the ecstacy face:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmiFb3ElGfE&feature=youtu.be

Simultaneously, we prepped for the kale wraps. I used last night's meat with last night's salad and mushed it altogether in a pan with some olive oil and a handful of almond flour to give it some mushy, burrito-innards type consistency. I sprayed the kale wraps with coconut oil.. well, I made JR spray the kale wraps and set them aside.

Then, we cooked the meat lover concoction in the pan, let that bad boy cool and rolled that shiz up in the kale. We cooked for about 15 minutes and bam slam boom. Dinner in 25 minutes is served with your left overs and calamari steaks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ptp6aqJS5s&feature=youtu.be

Oh, and P.S. JR has lost about 5 el bees since we started this little harassment experiment.